*WARNING* This entry is comprised of ALOT of complaining and whining. I'm sorry, just had to vent and get my worries out. If you are not interested, and I don't blame you AT ALL if you aren't, don't read.**
hey all... how is everyone doing? did everyone survive the holidays okay? i guess i did. i love holiday time, yet at the same time, sometimes its hard to enjoy them, becuase they are so short lived and then BOOM, its back to reality. anyway, i guess in general thats how im feeling about life right now. im kind of at a crossroads. i'm not quite sure what im doing. i want to have a firm leg to stand on, and a solid foundation, yet no matter what i do, i feel like im just blowin in the breeze. my career choice in college was early childhood education. and since graduation ive been persuing that career, but havent gotten my own classroom yet. in the time being, ive been working as a teacher assistant in a fifth grade, and now currently a third grade special education classroom. i don't hate the job, yet every day i seem to think of more reasons why teaching really might NOT be for me. i love it, and i love working with young kids, yet, its just soo challenging managing an early childhood classroom day to day. i've worked in every grade from prek-5, except 4th. i've subbed in fourth but never actually worked in a fourth grade classroom. and there are pros and cons to each of those grades. however, i'm finding more and more that i probably should have majored in elementary education instead of early childhood. i LOVE the younger kids, yet there is sooo much more energy to be exerted in an early childhood classroom. i'm not saying this in a "its harder" way, becuase its not, elementary classrooms have their many challenges too. however, what i AM saying is that i often feel like there is not even a second to breathe. there are constant interruptions, and constant redirection to be done, especially with the kids i work with in brockton. its a special ed classroom, so naturally the behavior problems are more severe, however, its just constant. Carolyn, the teacher i work with and I just simply want to tear our hair out at the end of every day. But its not even the whole special ed thing, its just normal for small children to misbehave, because they lack a solid understanding of rules and consequences. There is one first grade class that is atrocious, and the teacher is ready to shoot herself. I subbed in there one day, and I now understand why she feels this way. Those kids are literally OFF THE WALLS. A couple of the kids had behavior problems, howeevr the rest of the kids were model students, meaning they don't have any diagnosed behavior issues. And it was just UNBELIEVEABLE. Like NOTHING i've ever seen before... and since that day, I just have been so worried. Noone should have to put up with that day to day. It's just insane. My whole entire heart goes out to that teacher. Her sanity level must be off the charts. That day just showed me that I am NOT prepared for the worst a group of first graders could give me. There is NO WAY I would be able to put up with that. That would just wear me down so much. I know part of this is because kids in Brockton are, for many various reasons, very tough. And I shouldn't let it get me frustrated, but Goddamn. That teacher deserves to make $100,000 for dealing with that every day. It's just insane.
Anyway, on top of dealing with all of this behavior shit, there is still a classroom to maintain and keep organized, paperwork, progress meetings, IEPs, parent conferences, lesson planning, material gathering, and more. I just think that sometimes this is all way to overwhelming for me. Teaching is a VERY hard job. Not harder than any other job, because every job is challenging. However, I just don't know if, in the end, this will be the right match for me. It is sad too because I DO enjoy it, and I do a good job at it. The girl I am tutoring this year has made leaps and bounds of progress. So what I do, DOES make a difference, however, its just so hard trying to control a whole classroom of bratty 6 year olds, and still have them come out learning something. Teachers are WAY underpaid, lol.
Then there are the piles that build up on teachers desks, and I can already see the piles of crap building up in my house... childrens books, teacher guide books, and other sorts of materials... and even that starts to stress me out. I can't stand clutter, and yet as a teacher, it follows you WHEREVER YOU GO.
I don't know... I guess I'm just feeling very confused about where I want to turn. It is a possibility that maybe teaching is NOT for me, and if its not, what do I do then? I've also got my mother to listen to, who pushes and pushes and pushes. I know she just wants the best for me, but she's got to let me figure things out on my own, at my own pace. And if I decide that teaching is not for me, shes got to let me make that decision for myself.
I just don't know. We had today off of school because of the "snow", a.k.a. rain, and I've spent the ENTIRE day stressing and worrying about all of this stuff, and about needing a new job, and not having enough money. It seems like everyone is starting to get jobs, and starting to get their lives together, yet I feel like I'm still back at square one.
I've been thinking about getting my masters in reading, if I still can. Supposedly there is some rule where by 2014 every teacher has to have a masters in special education. However, I don't know if that means I should be pursuing that now, so I don't have to go back again for the special ed degree, of if I would be grandfathered in if I got the reading degree. Ultimately, I think i would really enjoy being a reading specialist. I enjoy the whole reading aspect of teaching alot, and I think this is an area I woudl truly excell at. Also, it would give me one subject to focus on, instead of having to teach everything. I truly think this is right for me, but I have to find out what my options are. Also, in order to get there, you need classroom teaching experience. I don't know...
On top of my education worries, I'm feeling a big lack of connection lately. I miss the way things used to be, and the way everyone was connected when we were still in school. I hate not being able to see people alot, and I hate the distance that grows because of it.
I consider myself overall a fairly happy and upbeat person, but this shit just gets me down. I'm just feeling very fragile right now. Maybe I will end up getting a teaching position soon, and I will end up doing it for the rest of my life. Who knows. I just know that I'm feeling very uncertain about things right now, and very disconnected. I'm feeling very unsure of everything, and its taking its toll.
Anyone else in education (or any other career) feel this way? I just don't know what to do. I'm in serious need of some direction... I just want to stop dancing around and find whats right for me.
If I can just find a good job that fits me, I feel like I can finally pick up the peices and move more positively in the direction of my goals and dreams for life.
It's GOT to happen... soon. I'm just so depressed with the way things are right now. I both desire and DESERVE a better job than this. I deserve to make more money. I want to move out of this house, but iit can't happen yet, because I don't have the means. On what I'm making now, I am practically just squeaking by with all my bills, rent money for my mom, and saving for Amy's wedding. This is a scary thing for someone who has always been a saver, and always had a good chunk of money in the bank. I dunno... Hopefully something will come my way soon. Until then I will just keep on looking... :/
And YES... i would LOVE some cheese with all this whining, lol... WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE. If you made it this far, IM SO SORRY! :)