i just don't know. its an AWFUL big job, and lately, especially these past two weeks, its REALLY been hitting home that I'm not quite sure this is the job for me. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, since, I really cant talk to many people at school about this. In the event I do continue with this, I don't want to burn any bridges. I don't want anyone thinking I'm not a serious candidate for a position. Also, I can't talk about this with my mother, becuase she is an over anxious spazaholic who will just yell at me and tell me I'm a failure and making a huge mistake etc. My mother is not a very wordly person. The world as she knows it, is about as big as the state of Massachusetts, and work is comprised of teaching and teaching only. She is very old fashioned. And, I don't doubt that part of me was trying to please my mom by following this career path. There have definitely been times before now that I would have turned back and changed my mind, however, she was right there literally pushing me to do it. Not a bad thing, certainly, and I know she is just looking out for my best interests. She wants me to be successful. However, what she doesn't understand is that there are so many more careers out there. There has got to be something else out there I can be successful at.
It's just that my mind gets to feeling sooo clogged up and confused when I'm in the classroom. I feel like I'm always anxious and can never think straight. Sometimes when I'm teaching and have to put up with a million interruptions, I'll lose my focus and have to stop and redirect myself... a hard thing to do when you are with a bunch of loud eight year olds. I just don't know... I'm finding it an extremely hard environment to work in, and the circumstances of the environment (screaming kids, bratty kids telling you, "No I won't do this, you dont OWN ME!", kids running away from the class line while you are responsible for them) even harder to deal with. I just feel like I might be alot more successful in a more quiet, controlled enviornment. I don't know if managing 20 eight year olds is really one of my strengths.
I've grappled a whole lot lately with the question of, "How do you know where the line is between just plain being lazy, and something just plain not working out?" This is what I've really tried hard to understand lately. Becuase I used to think that maybe I just wasn't working hard enough, but in my defense, I work pretty hard. I have always been a hard worker, and I always will be. I don't have a whole lot of self esteem, and I really don't credit myself with a whole lot, but this is one thing I WILL credit myself with wholeheartedly. I am a very hard and determined worker. However, I have been realizing that I don't think I can work in these conditions. I love kids, and I love teaching. I work wonderfully with Sarah the little girl I tutor, even though she can be a pill as well. I have helped her succeed so much this school year. She has gone from a girl who could barely read and barely write a three word sentence, to a girl who is now reading whole Level 1 books on her own, and writing sentences of up to 11 words. That is just in four months. She is doing excellent. And obviously, this has more to do with her teacher in school, however, I do feel that I can be credited as well with a good deal of the success. We've been working hard three nights a week.
It's just that, I can't really handle having 20-30 young students under my control. I'm much better at small group. So if I do continue with education, I know that I definitely will be getting my masters in reading, and working towards becoming a reading specialist. I really enjoy teaching children how to read, and enjoy even more watching their sucess. In a reading specialist position, you get to take small groups of children out of their classrooms. Like no more than 8-10 kids at a time. MUCH more manageable.
So anyways, I just don't know right now. But what I DO know is that I am 23, and I can't be expected to be perfect. I just have to take the days as they come, and figure out whats best for me. I'm very happy about my recent feelings and discoveries. I feel like I'm coming along in my self discovery process, and soon enough I will know what it is I need and want to do with my life.
Until then, I am just going to try my best to enjoy the ride. I REALLY wish I could talk to my principal about stuff, however, I really can't because I don't want to jeopordize anything. However, she is a strong role model in my opinion. She is a great person, and is a highly successful leader who has been there and done that. So, her advice would mean the world to me, however, I can't really ask for it. It's quite the conundrum, lol :) Anyway, I'm just so glad that its almost the weekend and that its about 60 degrees out! The good weather is such a relief, although it's also such a TEASE!
Anyways, off to tutoring... Love all of you, thanks for always being there, and for listening to me!!
We will all get there eventually... take care! :)