i'm at that point right now.
i'm working a job that i am very unhappy with. i'm not making enough money. my life feels at a standstill. while on the outside, all i am hearing about is people getting married, having kids, buying houses, apartments, all kinds of things. people getting their lives in order. and it hurts even more when its your MOM thats reminding you of all of these people. she can't wait to tell me whenever she hears news about someone else my age. this girl i graduated hs with is getting married in september and just bought a house with her fiance. she was all over that one this morning. i'm just fed up. i love katie. i always have, and theres no doubt in my mind that i always will. she is who i want to be with. she is the one that makes me laugh. she is the one that dries my tears. she is the one that has stuck by my side, even when i hardly deserved it. i LOVE her.
why is THAT not celebrated? we have been together for FOUR YEARS. thats a LONG time. a LOT longer than this girl that is engaged, and alot longer than amy and ryan, and alot of other "serious" couples. why then, are they so much more important becuase they are straight, getting married, and buying houses? it just sucks.
everywhere i go, that is there. that element of "don't talk too much." i hold so much inside. i don't talk about myself at school. not because i care what they think, but becuase i don't want my shit being blabbed all around school. they are a bunch of hens, and all they do is talk about everyone. also, i just downright feel like noone would friggin care. not even just about the gay stuff, but about anything else. like my sister having a disability and all that. i guess i have just become so accustomed to being different, and have had too many experiences with people blatantly not giving a damn about what i'm saying. i just choose to keep it all in, rather than have someone look at me like im some kind of freak, or listen and nod and not understand or care a bit about what i'm saying. its so ironic. cuz 99% of the time i walk around feeling so utterly misunderstood, yet in all truthfulness, i don't even want people to listen to me. i don't like talking about me. i hate being on the spot and sharing stuff like that. just not me. reason number 5,957 why i shouldn't be a teacher. i just don't fit in.
i know just how it would go. i'd be that weird teacher that everyone would be sweet and kind to to my face, then talk about behind my back. teachers are so two faced. i just don't know. i don't even know where i'm going with this entry. other than im completely and utterly fed up with this life, and the way things are going for me. i bought this book about the "quarter life crisis," and its very good. it talks all about the uncertainty and the craziness of this stage of life. it helps me to read it and know that everyone else goes through the same thing. even the older people we work with have been there. and hopefully, even if they don't show it, they understand deep down what we are going through.
im 23. these are supposed to be the best years of our lives. just like high school was supposed to be, and college. well i didn't enjoy high school too much, it was okay. and college was great, yet sucky at the same time. i loved loved loved being there and my friends and all, yet i spent alot of time feeling sucky inside, and thinking that someday when i graduated it would all get figured out. well that someday has arrived. ive been out of college a year, and i'm still so unsatisfied and unhappy. i feel like i have been and will continue to waste my whole entire youth worrying about stuff. then when we are older and have things under control, we will wish we had these days back. i dunno. life just doesn't make sense to me. i guess thats what it comes down to. i'm having a VERY hard time making sense of things these days. i just want to get things on track, have a good job, get paid, and live my life. and to be quite honest, when i envision that in my head, i no longer envision teaching. i just don't think its for me. its just a completly chaotic enviornment, and its such a constant struggle to keep everyone on task. its a million and one times harder than i ever imagined it would be. and i never imagined it would be easy. i just don't know. and just all the corny stuff teachers say, and all the silly children's books and children's games they tote around with them. i just don't know if i can do it anymore. i just don't know if i can be a part of that anymore. i may not have a choice, however, i'm going to investigate some other job opportunities. i just don't think teaching is going to make me happy. yea, great schedule and great benefits. however, sucky, painful and tedious job, and not so great pay. i just don't think teaching is worth the stress it bears on me every day. i just don't know if i can do it.
i think i'd rather work every week day of the entire year, with no vacation or holidays, that put up with these friggin kids. it is so, so so painful. i just want a job where i can work hard, and perform my responsibilities, without worrying about 20 other bodies. With teaching, your job performance is a reflection of whether or not those 20 other bodies are on task. It is just too much stress. Sit me at a desk and load me up with shit to do. I'll suffer, I'll do it. But put me in a classroom and tell me that my job is to make sure 20 bodies are behaving and busy and learning at all times. It's just impossible.
I don't even know what I'm typing anymore... If you've read this far, I'm sorry. I'm SO sorry. I just wish I knew what it was that would make me happy. I wish I knew what occupation would provide me with a sense of fulfillment, money to live, and confidence. Teaching definitely is not it. I just feel so lost. I just feel like I have no idea where to turn. If that something that would be a great career for me requires more school, I want to figure this out, so I can start taking classes. But also, I want to know for sure, so I don't waste time and money.
I just don't know... I hate this. I need some self esteem. Lots of it. I need some direction. Lots of it. I need some guidance, and pointers on all this new "adult" stuff. Lots of it. But most of all, I need a roadmap telling me where to go with my life. I'm lost.