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hello! [06 Aug 2006|03:57pm]
just wanted to say hi!

haven't been on here since APRIL.

crazy. guess myspace has become the new livejournal, lol.

however i miss it, so ill try to check it more often... :)
squeeze me

change is life... life is change [29 Apr 2006|08:45am]
The essense of experience is change. Change is essential. Moment by moment life flows by and it is never the same. Perpetual alteration is the essense of the perpetual universe. A thought springs up in your head and a half a second later it is gone. In comes another one. And then that is gone too. A sound strikes in your ears and then it is gone. Open your eyes and the world pours in Blink and it is gone. People come into your life and they leave again. Friends go, Relatives die. Your Fortunes go up and then they go down. Sometimes you win, and just as often you lose. It is incessant: change, Change, change. no two moments are ever the same...

saw this in someone's profile and thought it sounded pretty good. don't know if he wrote it or not... i googled some of the text to see if it was part of a book but i didnt come up with any results. so he may have written it. pretty introspective kid. this is a very true statement.
squeeze me

the stranger awakens... [25 Apr 2006|09:24pm]
[ mood | emotionally charged ]

i know... i NEVER post on this thing anymore.

i've gotten far too addicted to myspace, and ive kinda been blogging a bit in that. but mostly, i just have lost interest in livejournal/don't have the time.

april was a very stressful and busy month for me, with applications, and then last week i was away.

so i just haven't had time.

anywho... all is going well.. san francisco was great, great, great. we had the BEST time. :)

hope all is well with all of you... take care.

squeeze me

stress [04 Apr 2006|06:29pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

i'm so stressed out... ((sigh))

where oh where is april vacation and san francisco??

hope i can enjoy it, and not be too stressed about jobs... :/

1 squeeze| squeeze me

i guess im 21, not almost 24, lol. funny thing is... sounds about right :/ [28 Mar 2006|09:16pm]
You Are 21 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.
squeeze me

American Idol [28 Feb 2006|09:53pm]
[ mood | okay ]

American Idol is so inspiring. I never would have thought that just watching these young singers strive to achieve their hopes and dreams could be so moving. It makes me want to go out there and show the world what I have. Do something to really improve the world, and make a difference. It takes the entry I just wrote and crushes it to a pulp. Although I still feel like teaching is not the outlet for me, I know that I still have a fire inside me. I WILL do something good for the world. All I have to do is find what is right, and believe in my abilties. SO MUCH comes from just believing. Now I just have to figure out what it is I should be working towards and believing in myself for.

GO AYLA.. representing Wrentham, Massachusetts!
Go everyone else too... lots of great talent this season!
... andddd HOT GIRLS! lol.
and actually, i must say a couple of the boys are pretty smokin' too! :)

squeeze me

"23 and so tired of life..." -dmb [28 Feb 2006|07:11pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

at some point in everyone's life, they realize how quickly life is marching on... with or without them.

i'm at that point right now.

i'm working a job that i am very unhappy with. i'm not making enough money. my life feels at a standstill. while on the outside, all i am hearing about is people getting married, having kids, buying houses, apartments, all kinds of things. people getting their lives in order. and it hurts even more when its your MOM thats reminding you of all of these people. she can't wait to tell me whenever she hears news about someone else my age. this girl i graduated hs with is getting married in september and just bought a house with her fiance. she was all over that one this morning. i'm just fed up. i love katie. i always have, and theres no doubt in my mind that i always will. she is who i want to be with. she is the one that makes me laugh. she is the one that dries my tears. she is the one that has stuck by my side, even when i hardly deserved it. i LOVE her.

why is THAT not celebrated? we have been together for FOUR YEARS. thats a LONG time. a LOT longer than this girl that is engaged, and alot longer than amy and ryan, and alot of other "serious" couples. why then, are they so much more important becuase they are straight, getting married, and buying houses? it just sucks.

everywhere i go, that is there. that element of "don't talk too much." i hold so much inside. i don't talk about myself at school. not because i care what they think, but becuase i don't want my shit being blabbed all around school. they are a bunch of hens, and all they do is talk about everyone. also, i just downright feel like noone would friggin care. not even just about the gay stuff, but about anything else. like my sister having a disability and all that. i guess i have just become so accustomed to being different, and have had too many experiences with people blatantly not giving a damn about what i'm saying. i just choose to keep it all in, rather than have someone look at me like im some kind of freak, or listen and nod and not understand or care a bit about what i'm saying. its so ironic. cuz 99% of the time i walk around feeling so utterly misunderstood, yet in all truthfulness, i don't even want people to listen to me. i don't like talking about me. i hate being on the spot and sharing stuff like that. just not me. reason number 5,957 why i shouldn't be a teacher. i just don't fit in.

i know just how it would go. i'd be that weird teacher that everyone would be sweet and kind to to my face, then talk about behind my back. teachers are so two faced. i just don't know. i don't even know where i'm going with this entry. other than im completely and utterly fed up with this life, and the way things are going for me. i bought this book about the "quarter life crisis," and its very good. it talks all about the uncertainty and the craziness of this stage of life. it helps me to read it and know that everyone else goes through the same thing. even the older people we work with have been there. and hopefully, even if they don't show it, they understand deep down what we are going through.

im 23. these are supposed to be the best years of our lives. just like high school was supposed to be, and college. well i didn't enjoy high school too much, it was okay. and college was great, yet sucky at the same time. i loved loved loved being there and my friends and all, yet i spent alot of time feeling sucky inside, and thinking that someday when i graduated it would all get figured out. well that someday has arrived. ive been out of college a year, and i'm still so unsatisfied and unhappy. i feel like i have been and will continue to waste my whole entire youth worrying about stuff. then when we are older and have things under control, we will wish we had these days back. i dunno. life just doesn't make sense to me. i guess thats what it comes down to. i'm having a VERY hard time making sense of things these days. i just want to get things on track, have a good job, get paid, and live my life. and to be quite honest, when i envision that in my head, i no longer envision teaching. i just don't think its for me. its just a completly chaotic enviornment, and its such a constant struggle to keep everyone on task. its a million and one times harder than i ever imagined it would be. and i never imagined it would be easy. i just don't know. and just all the corny stuff teachers say, and all the silly children's books and children's games they tote around with them. i just don't know if i can do it anymore. i just don't know if i can be a part of that anymore. i may not have a choice, however, i'm going to investigate some other job opportunities. i just don't think teaching is going to make me happy. yea, great schedule and great benefits. however, sucky, painful and tedious job, and not so great pay. i just don't think teaching is worth the stress it bears on me every day. i just don't know if i can do it.

i think i'd rather work every week day of the entire year, with no vacation or holidays, that put up with these friggin kids. it is so, so so painful. i just want a job where i can work hard, and perform my responsibilities, without worrying about 20 other bodies. With teaching, your job performance is a reflection of whether or not those 20 other bodies are on task. It is just too much stress. Sit me at a desk and load me up with shit to do. I'll suffer, I'll do it. But put me in a classroom and tell me that my job is to make sure 20 bodies are behaving and busy and learning at all times. It's just impossible.

I don't even know what I'm typing anymore... If you've read this far, I'm sorry. I'm SO sorry. I just wish I knew what it was that would make me happy. I wish I knew what occupation would provide me with a sense of fulfillment, money to live, and confidence. Teaching definitely is not it. I just feel so lost. I just feel like I have no idea where to turn. If that something that would be a great career for me requires more school, I want to figure this out, so I can start taking classes. But also, I want to know for sure, so I don't waste time and money.

I just don't know... I hate this. I need some self esteem. Lots of it. I need some direction. Lots of it. I need some guidance, and pointers on all this new "adult" stuff. Lots of it. But most of all, I need a roadmap telling me where to go with my life. I'm lost.

1 squeeze| squeeze me

the gay and lesbian section at barnes and noble [21 Feb 2006|11:39pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

so i had an interesting happening at barnes and noble today. i was floating around, and one of the sections i like to browse through is the gay and lesbian section. although at the particular barnes and noble i go to, its hard, becuase that section is like soo out in the open. (walpole, bet some of you know what i mean about this section, lol) anyway, its just really hard to stand there, cuz alot of people walk right by you, and as much as i have come to be very comfortable with myself, that situation still bugs me. anywho, so im trying to stand off to the side and peek at that section. i see this old guy sitting in a chair near that section reading something. so im like damn, i cant go over there. but gradually i get closer, and i start looking at the next shelf, the social sciences shelf. as i stand there i keep glancing over, and eventually grab a couple books that look interesting, and run off with them. (such a loser, i know) so i run off and start looking at them; still within eyeshot of the section and the old man. as i turn a page, i look up, and see the man getting out of his chair. much to my surprise, he starts looking all around him, then walks over to the gay and lesbian section, replaces the book he was looking at, and grabs another!

lol, he was doing the EXACT same dance that i was doing. it was so funny. here i was afraid of him seeing me, then he goes and does the same exact thing, lol. he was a cute old man. never know he was gay by looking though. he appeared to be a very much silenced man. maybe he is married, has children all grown up. actually, im pretty sure thats probably how it is. maybe this is his secret pleasure. to go alone to the bookstore and read about the life he has hidden for eighty some odd years, and still hides. it's so sad. there are sooo many people that are like this. i feel soo fortunate to have grown up in a time frame where gay is okay. yes, we still have to have anxiety about certain situations, like looking in the gay and lesbian section of the bookstore, which is awfully sad itself. but at least i have the freedom, and the rights if they remain in standing, to be who i am, and be with who i am. i don't know what i would do if i had to live a life like this man possibly did. so dishonest, so lonely, so closed in, and so detached. i can't imagine what that is like. i mean i can, cuz ive been through all those feelings, and have struggled with coming to terms with myself, but to live a whole life like that. that is so fucking sad. it makes me want to sit down and cry.

anywho, i stood there, off to the side, for quite a while, just reading. eventually a woman came along, and nervously perused that section. then i saw what seemed like her grandmother appear, and she kind of did a hop, skip and jump away from the section. it's such a sad thing. yet it was so very interesting to stand there and watch this. i think next time i go to barnes and noble i will stand in the same place and watch again. it's great to see that there are so many others out there that fear the same silly little things. so stupid really. we all just need a new set of balls. if we all could have the courage to stand up to things like this, the world would be a totally different place. we've made great strides in the past decade, however we still have so much farther to go. i'm working on trying to grow myself a nice big set of balls. lol. (ironic i know. lol) ;)

6 squeezes| squeeze me

[21 Feb 2006|06:57pm]
the Observer
Test finished!
you chose BZ - your Enneagram type is FIVE.

"I need to understand the world"

Observers have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.

How to Get Along with Me

  • Be independent, not clingy.
  • Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.
  • I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.
  • Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable.
  • Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.
  • If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place.
  • don't come on like a bulldozer.
  • Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people's loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy.

What I Like About Being a Five

  • standing back and viewing life objectively
  • coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
  • my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure
  • not being caught up in material possessions and status
  • being calm in a crisis

What's Hard About Being a Five

  • being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world
  • feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all
  • being pressured to be with people when I don't want to be
  • watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally

Fives as Children Often

  • spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on
  • have a few special friends rather than many
  • are very bright and curious and do well in school
  • have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers
  • watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information
  • assume a poker face in order not to look afraid
  • are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict
  • feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected

Fives as Parents

  • are often kind, perceptive, and devoted
  • are sometimes authoritarian and demanding
  • may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate
  • may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose BZ

Would you rather have chosen:

  • AZ (THREE)
  • CZ (ONE)
  • BX (NINE)
  • BY (FOUR)

  • My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

    free online dating free online dating
    You scored higher than 25% on ABC

    free online dating free online dating
    You scored higher than 0% on XYZ
    Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
    squeeze me

    What Type of Lesbian Are You? [06 Feb 2006|06:15pm]
    You scored as The Surprise! Dyke. Despite the dead giveaways, such as the tattoos and love of the L Word, people still seem to think that you're straight.


    The Surprise! Dyke


    The Stud


    The Granola Dyke


    The Pretty-Boi Dyke


    The Sprightly Elfin Femme


    The Quasi-Gothic Femme


    The Vaginal-Reference-Making Dyke


    The Student Dyke


    The Bohemian Dyke


    The Femme Fatale


    The Hipster Dyke


    The Little-Boy Dyke


    The Magic Earring Ken Dyke


    What Type of Lesbian Are You? (Inspired by Curve Mag.)
    created with QuizFarm.com
    1 squeeze| squeeze me

    what the hell is the point, seriously. [30 Jan 2006|10:45pm]
    [ mood | completely FED UP ]

    i HATE my life and my job right now. literally the ONLY thing i am living for is katie and the weekend. she is great, and i love her, but HOW SAD, to be living so pathetically week to week. it was such a great weekend, and she makes me feel so great and so loved. but i go from this insane weekend high to extremely awful lows on monday, that last all the way to friday. i'm just so unhappy. everyone is fighting at work, there is so much catty (caddy?) bullshit going on. everyone is angry because our class is awful. they are angry at mrs. phelan for it being loud. (because its REALLY her fault) its just insane. why can't they see that the poor woman is doing the VERY BEST SHE CAN in an AWFUL situation. i mean christ, the woman is the first one in the building in the morning, even before the principal. and shes the last one out at night, most nights leaving around 6-630, WELL after i leave afterschool program at 5. also, she fucking works during her lunch break. its just awful. the woman is doing the very best she can. she spends every waking moment stressing about our classroom. why can't they see that? noone is speaking, furthermore, everyone is talking about everyone behind their back. also, one teacher has moved shit around to try to block out or classroom noise. this same teacher has a wicked temper, and has been involved in a HIGHLY immature screaming incident with our classroom. its just fucking stupid. C'MON... are we in FRIGGING high school? you teach kids all day long how to try to resolve their problems with words not hurtful yelling or mean actions, yet you go and to them yourself. what kind of example are you? it's just unbelieveable. carolyn and i are doing the very best we can to keep our classoom in line. these other teachers have regular classrooms. they don't know what it is like to deal with all of the behavior issues that we do. i have never in my life seen a class as awful as our class, but it is not our fault. yet, still they blame mrs. phelan. now, tomorrow, mrs. phelan is going to be out. she wouldn't have left me during these circumstances normally, however she has a doctors appointment. so now tomorrow i will be left with the responsibility of both running our classroom, managing the group, geting through the day, AND keeing everyone else happy with the noiselevel so they don't get mad at ME. it's just so fucking ridiculous. i've never expected this kind of bullshit out of grown, mature, weathered teachers and adults. grow up. seriously, teachers are so fucking stupid and catty with eachother. if its not this they are whining about, its that. its a fucking hen house, and all they do is fight or bitch to eachother about EVERYTHING. if i could go back in time, i would NEVER have chosen education for a major. i am so utterly unhappy right now. yes, part of it is working in brockton, and on top of that, dealing with this absurd classroom. however, if i never had to put up with another bratty child again, i would be so friggin happy. this sucks. this purely and truly SUCKS. this year has STRONGLY made me question what i want to do with my life. i am STRONGLY considering other options beyond teaching. maybe it's just truly not for me. these days i feel, more than EVER before, that it's not. i can't deal with this shit anymore. ive had it. ive FUCKING had it. we have enough stress just to get through the day with these children, nevermind worrying every second that we are being too loud, and trying to keep everyone else happy. i wish they would just donate the fucking basement to us. we coudl just shove them in there all day long, and not have to put up with other teacher's bullshit.

    GRR... im fucking heated, and i've just plain HAD IT. all night ive been just laying around, since its my night off from tutoring. ive just been thinking about tomorrow and waiting for the suckage to begin. after the hell that will be tomorrow, i then have to cover afterschool program for another teacher's class, then tutor. then its the same thing on wednesday. i just hate my life. it could not be friday soon enough. i have NEVER hated and dreaded work so much as this. its purely awful. i just don't know what to do. its just awful. if carolyn and i make it out of this school year alive, it will be a miracle.

    6 squeezes| squeeze me

    is tomorrow REALLY monday? :( [29 Jan 2006|11:28pm]
    [ mood | loved ]

    funny when you stop and think
    times goes faster then you blink
    nothings ever like it was
    but girl we've got a special thing
    all the happiness it brings
    is more than enough...

    I know its hard to believe
    you're still the biggest part of me
    all I'm living for
    I still think about you
    I still dream about you
    I still want you
    and need you by my side
    I'm still mad about you
    all I ever wanted was you
    you're still the one.
    -Brian McKnight

    thanks for a GREAT weekend... you're the only one for me. i love you. ;)

    squeeze me

    Happy Birthday Aliyah :) [24 Jan 2006|10:26pm]
    [ mood | crazy ]

    so little aliyah broke my heart today. she had told me yesterday that she planned a birthday party over the weekend for aunts and uncles, and NOONE could show up. so yesterday was her birthday, and she was all excited because she was going to have a birthday celebration at home. well, today, i had a chance to sit one-on-one with her and read, and she started telling me about how yesterday was the worst birthday EVER. she said the only one out of her family of like 8 or 9 people that live in her house, that was there to celebrate was her mother. it was just her and her mom chillin in front of her birthday cake. just to THINK of the sad look on that little girls face KILLS ME. God. she said her brothers are mean to her, and they were too busy to have cake. GOD. It fucking BREAKS MY HEART. Aliyah has to be the SWEETEST girl in our whole class. she is always thinking of everyone else, always obeys the rules, and is always all smiles. It literally KILLS ME to think of such a sweet little girl getting treated so poorly. She is a quiet one too. And unfortunately, the misbehaving children always end up getting the most attention. And when you don't have a chance to spend alot of one on one time with these kids day to day, you forget that they are not only just 8 year olds, they have stuff going on at home too. And its usually the ones you think are fine that have it the roughest. Poor Aliyah. This is my wakeup call. From here on in, I will make sure that no day goes by that I don't spend a little time with some of the good kids. It gets very challenging at times, but just because they obey the rules and are quiet, doesn't mean they don't need to be heard. They just want to be sure someone is listening first. I should know all about this... I'm the same way.

    Anywhoo... I spent my evening baking Aliyah a cake, and making her a birthday card for the class to sign, because I fully intend on having a little celebration in class tomorrow for her. And I hope, she will be beaming like always. She is so cute... definitely one of my favorites, and she deserves this.

    Happy Birthday Aliyah!! :)

    4 squeezes| squeeze me

    [23 Jan 2006|10:18pm]
    [ mood | loved ]

    life is so amazing...

    if only you give it a chance. ♥ ♥

    i lovers you.

    ♥ ♥countdown to valentine's day: 22 days ♥ ♥

    1 squeeze| squeeze me

    WTF?!?!?!?!??!? [22 Jan 2006|08:39pm]
    [ mood | happy ]

    so ya its fucking weird when you wake up in a time warp and have absolutely NO idea what day or time it is... lol. actually its pretty scary. what if you really didnt have any clue... fucked up. anyway, since i got like zip on sleep last night thanks to my damn sinuses, i decided to take a short nap... well a short nap turned into a three hour nap from 5-8pm, lol. and since i dont think ive taken an afternoon nap since college, i was so confused, lol. anywho, it was a very exciting few hours, i took a flight to florida to leave on a four month internship. and apparantly, with new technology, you can take the flight in the comfort of your own home.. lol, my house was the plane. weird. and i was so impressed with myself for not being scared flying, lol freak.

    but then, it got worse. half way through the flight, it changed. and all the sudden here i am sitting in ths plane with a bunch of young girls my age, and the fucking thing is flying super high up in the air, and its fucking OPEN on top, like a goddamn JEEP!!! LOL... weirdness. i still wasnt scared tho, go me! I even stuck my hand out the side to feel the air, lol... now if only real flights were that much fun, id be all set :)

    WOW... i think all this cold/sinus medicine is FINALLY getting to my head! lol... i feel insane lol.

    it was a pretty good weekend, aside from my staining katie's down comforter by spilling gatorade on it :(

    we went to see last holiday with queen latifah.. good fucking movie... it was all about living your life the fullest and doing everything you can... it was really inspiring.

    oh also, we booked our flight to san francisco! im sooo excited... we are visiting my cousin, and also going to try to hook up with ryans brother who lives there. ive ALWAYS wanted to go to san francisco... so im soooo psyched :) anyway, im also kind of jealous cuz my cousin is in L.A. visiting right now before she goes back to school... and i wish that we had the funds to go to both places when we come out... cuz id LOVE to go there too! but thats another trip for another time... ah well, i got a whole life ahead of me... besides, someday when im rich and powerful, i can go every weekend if i want ;)

    anywho... time to go relax for a bit, then head to bed again... awesome. thats a good day, lol. :)

    yay for feeling not so sick anymore (for the moment) :)

    2 squeezes| squeeze me

    how do YOU define life? [17 Jan 2006|09:28pm]
    [ mood | deep ]

    how do you perceive life? what is YOUR definition? if you had to describe life in words, even though that is very hard, what would you say? what words would be explanitory enough to describe life? could it even be done?

    life is so hard to understand... perhaps that is because it is everchanging. it seems as if we barely are over one hump, when we are forced to jump over the next... in my opinion, life can not be described in words. its far too ambiguous. there are far too many shades of gray.

    its just hard. especially at our age. we go from living in a world of black and white, and not many choices, to being thrust into this big wide world with thousands of daily choices, big and small, and theres grayness everywhere you look. black and white is gone. over. done with. from here on in, everything will rely on making important and intelligent choices.

    you want to have a good job, you have choices to make... details to square away.
    you want to buy a house, many important things to think about.
    you want to have a child, many many plans and changes to be made.

    life is about looking out for yourself and those you love. it is about choices, and change, and no day will ever be quite the same as any other. life is just a succession of milestones, both representing good times and bad times. life will march on, with or without us. and this is the most important thing we need to realize. that if we don't keep moving with life, it will move on without us, and we will be left behind in the dust. without a job, without a home, without a family.

    life is what we create for ourselves. its pretty fucking scary when you realize this, but its true. life does not just happen. we MAKE it happen. it is like a novel, or a film, and we are the authors and directors. we are putting on the show. theres a big audience out there, and lots of people that are counting on us to make them smile, and make their lives feel a little bit better, even if just ever so briefly.

    we are here for a reason. we are not just here to live, work, and die. we are here to live, work, die, and somewhere in between all that, make a difference, and have the fucking time of our lives. we need to learn to live. sometimes it seems impossible to even think of having a life, when just living itself is hard enough. however, where there is a will, there is a way. if you keep trying, and keep optimistic, you will figure it all out.

    this is how i feel. life seems so utterly confusing right now. yet, i know that eventually, things will start to come together. i won't say they will make sense, because i'm not so sure that life ever really makes sense. i don't think that any of us truly see the clear picture until we are on our last leg. it seems to me like it is then that we look over the life that we have lived, and think about how it went. whether it be for better or for worse, we will look over our days, and we will either wish we had done things differently, or smile and think, "that was a fucking blast." the objective is to live life so that when we die, we are thinking the latter.

    if you are effortlessly waiting for life to make sense, or waiting for things to come to you, well, you might as well just die right now. the point is not to know everything and understand everything. becuase this is blatantly impossible. the point is to learn to live so that we can make understanding easier. we need to live so that life benefits us, and teaches us new things every day. if you don't learn to live this way, there really is no point. if we spend our days brooding over what we don't have, and what we wish we had, we will never have it. it is OUR responsibility to create a good life for ourselves. life is hard work. and if we always put our best foot forward and work our hardest each and every day, it should be a quite rewarding and fun experience.

    we need to live in the moment, instead of worrying about the past, or the future. life is what's happening right now. not what we are hoping for, or regretting, or worrying about. life is NOW. life is the way your mom is feeling today, the way your dog cuddles up with you, the way your lover made you smile today just because, the way you ate chocolate today and it made you happy, the way you made someone's day a bit easier at work today, the way you feel happy just to be alive. that is life, and this is living.

    i guess if i had to sum up life in words, id say, its the most wonderfully indescribable thing we will ever experience. it is everything we know and everything we don't know all in one. its everchanging and always moving, all around us. life never stops. if you stop, it won't stop with you. the race goes on, and if you play the part of the hare, you will lose out.

    wow... anyway, im sure most of that didnt even make sense... just having some deep thoughts about life... and as its a very hard thing to describe, its even harder to describe how we think of it. anyway, im just working through the puzzle, as are we all... trying to figure things out, and make a little bit of sense of things... we are all in the beginning stages of learning how to play this game. it's quite the adventure, and will continue to be so, as long as we keep playing our cards. after all, there just ain't no sense in taking them to the grave, now is there?

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    What is your sexual personality? [14 Jan 2006|02:31pm]

    Romantic, sensual, caring

    You prefer to make love. You like the intimacy that comes with sex and you are a very loyal person.

    Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com
    squeeze me

    so this is how the cookie is crumbling... [12 Jan 2006|05:57pm]
    [ mood | positive ]

    I've been doing some SERIOUS soul searching lately, and im really not quite sure teaching young children is the right feild for me. in order to do such a job, you need to be a person that can have ten things going through your mind at all times. as well, you need to be a person who is ready at all times to verbally set a child stright, no matter the circumstance. you need to be a person who is adept at dealing with childrens problems; anything from silly to severe. you need to be a person who is good at drying tears and bringing back smiles. you need to be a person who is a cheerleader on education... someone who preaches every single second that learning is fun. you need to be a person who can handle overstimulation of every sort. you also need to be a person who enjoys planning curriculum and making adaptations for children who fall behind, as well as adapting and changing the curriculum for the many interruptions that will occur throughout the school day etc.

    i just don't know. its an AWFUL big job, and lately, especially these past two weeks, its REALLY been hitting home that I'm not quite sure this is the job for me. I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this, since, I really cant talk to many people at school about this. In the event I do continue with this, I don't want to burn any bridges. I don't want anyone thinking I'm not a serious candidate for a position. Also, I can't talk about this with my mother, becuase she is an over anxious spazaholic who will just yell at me and tell me I'm a failure and making a huge mistake etc. My mother is not a very wordly person. The world as she knows it, is about as big as the state of Massachusetts, and work is comprised of teaching and teaching only. She is very old fashioned. And, I don't doubt that part of me was trying to please my mom by following this career path. There have definitely been times before now that I would have turned back and changed my mind, however, she was right there literally pushing me to do it. Not a bad thing, certainly, and I know she is just looking out for my best interests. She wants me to be successful. However, what she doesn't understand is that there are so many more careers out there. There has got to be something else out there I can be successful at.

    It's just that my mind gets to feeling sooo clogged up and confused when I'm in the classroom. I feel like I'm always anxious and can never think straight. Sometimes when I'm teaching and have to put up with a million interruptions, I'll lose my focus and have to stop and redirect myself... a hard thing to do when you are with a bunch of loud eight year olds. I just don't know... I'm finding it an extremely hard environment to work in, and the circumstances of the environment (screaming kids, bratty kids telling you, "No I won't do this, you dont OWN ME!", kids running away from the class line while you are responsible for them) even harder to deal with. I just feel like I might be alot more successful in a more quiet, controlled enviornment. I don't know if managing 20 eight year olds is really one of my strengths.

    I've grappled a whole lot lately with the question of, "How do you know where the line is between just plain being lazy, and something just plain not working out?" This is what I've really tried hard to understand lately. Becuase I used to think that maybe I just wasn't working hard enough, but in my defense, I work pretty hard. I have always been a hard worker, and I always will be. I don't have a whole lot of self esteem, and I really don't credit myself with a whole lot, but this is one thing I WILL credit myself with wholeheartedly. I am a very hard and determined worker. However, I have been realizing that I don't think I can work in these conditions. I love kids, and I love teaching. I work wonderfully with Sarah the little girl I tutor, even though she can be a pill as well. I have helped her succeed so much this school year. She has gone from a girl who could barely read and barely write a three word sentence, to a girl who is now reading whole Level 1 books on her own, and writing sentences of up to 11 words. That is just in four months. She is doing excellent. And obviously, this has more to do with her teacher in school, however, I do feel that I can be credited as well with a good deal of the success. We've been working hard three nights a week.

    It's just that, I can't really handle having 20-30 young students under my control. I'm much better at small group. So if I do continue with education, I know that I definitely will be getting my masters in reading, and working towards becoming a reading specialist. I really enjoy teaching children how to read, and enjoy even more watching their sucess. In a reading specialist position, you get to take small groups of children out of their classrooms. Like no more than 8-10 kids at a time. MUCH more manageable.

    So anyways, I just don't know right now. But what I DO know is that I am 23, and I can't be expected to be perfect. I just have to take the days as they come, and figure out whats best for me. I'm very happy about my recent feelings and discoveries. I feel like I'm coming along in my self discovery process, and soon enough I will know what it is I need and want to do with my life.

    Until then, I am just going to try my best to enjoy the ride. I REALLY wish I could talk to my principal about stuff, however, I really can't because I don't want to jeopordize anything. However, she is a strong role model in my opinion. She is a great person, and is a highly successful leader who has been there and done that. So, her advice would mean the world to me, however, I can't really ask for it. It's quite the conundrum, lol :) Anyway, I'm just so glad that its almost the weekend and that its about 60 degrees out! The good weather is such a relief, although it's also such a TEASE!

    Anyways, off to tutoring... Love all of you, thanks for always being there, and for listening to me!!
    We will all get there eventually... take care! :)

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    so unhappy. [03 Jan 2006|08:00pm]
    [ mood | depressed ]

    *WARNING* This entry is comprised of ALOT of complaining and whining. I'm sorry, just had to vent and get my worries out. If you are not interested, and I don't blame you AT ALL if you aren't, don't read.**

    hey all... how is everyone doing? did everyone survive the holidays okay? i guess i did. i love holiday time, yet at the same time, sometimes its hard to enjoy them, becuase they are so short lived and then BOOM, its back to reality. anyway, i guess in general thats how im feeling about life right now. im kind of at a crossroads. i'm not quite sure what im doing. i want to have a firm leg to stand on, and a solid foundation, yet no matter what i do, i feel like im just blowin in the breeze. my career choice in college was early childhood education. and since graduation ive been persuing that career, but havent gotten my own classroom yet. in the time being, ive been working as a teacher assistant in a fifth grade, and now currently a third grade special education classroom. i don't hate the job, yet every day i seem to think of more reasons why teaching really might NOT be for me. i love it, and i love working with young kids, yet, its just soo challenging managing an early childhood classroom day to day. i've worked in every grade from prek-5, except 4th. i've subbed in fourth but never actually worked in a fourth grade classroom. and there are pros and cons to each of those grades. however, i'm finding more and more that i probably should have majored in elementary education instead of early childhood. i LOVE the younger kids, yet there is sooo much more energy to be exerted in an early childhood classroom. i'm not saying this in a "its harder" way, becuase its not, elementary classrooms have their many challenges too. however, what i AM saying is that i often feel like there is not even a second to breathe. there are constant interruptions, and constant redirection to be done, especially with the kids i work with in brockton. its a special ed classroom, so naturally the behavior problems are more severe, however, its just constant. Carolyn, the teacher i work with and I just simply want to tear our hair out at the end of every day. But its not even the whole special ed thing, its just normal for small children to misbehave, because they lack a solid understanding of rules and consequences. There is one first grade class that is atrocious, and the teacher is ready to shoot herself. I subbed in there one day, and I now understand why she feels this way. Those kids are literally OFF THE WALLS. A couple of the kids had behavior problems, howeevr the rest of the kids were model students, meaning they don't have any diagnosed behavior issues. And it was just UNBELIEVEABLE. Like NOTHING i've ever seen before... and since that day, I just have been so worried. Noone should have to put up with that day to day. It's just insane. My whole entire heart goes out to that teacher. Her sanity level must be off the charts. That day just showed me that I am NOT prepared for the worst a group of first graders could give me. There is NO WAY I would be able to put up with that. That would just wear me down so much. I know part of this is because kids in Brockton are, for many various reasons, very tough. And I shouldn't let it get me frustrated, but Goddamn. That teacher deserves to make $100,000 for dealing with that every day. It's just insane.

    Anyway, on top of dealing with all of this behavior shit, there is still a classroom to maintain and keep organized, paperwork, progress meetings, IEPs, parent conferences, lesson planning, material gathering, and more. I just think that sometimes this is all way to overwhelming for me. Teaching is a VERY hard job. Not harder than any other job, because every job is challenging. However, I just don't know if, in the end, this will be the right match for me. It is sad too because I DO enjoy it, and I do a good job at it. The girl I am tutoring this year has made leaps and bounds of progress. So what I do, DOES make a difference, however, its just so hard trying to control a whole classroom of bratty 6 year olds, and still have them come out learning something. Teachers are WAY underpaid, lol.

    Then there are the piles that build up on teachers desks, and I can already see the piles of crap building up in my house... childrens books, teacher guide books, and other sorts of materials... and even that starts to stress me out. I can't stand clutter, and yet as a teacher, it follows you WHEREVER YOU GO.

    I don't know... I guess I'm just feeling very confused about where I want to turn. It is a possibility that maybe teaching is NOT for me, and if its not, what do I do then? I've also got my mother to listen to, who pushes and pushes and pushes. I know she just wants the best for me, but she's got to let me figure things out on my own, at my own pace. And if I decide that teaching is not for me, shes got to let me make that decision for myself.

    I just don't know. We had today off of school because of the "snow", a.k.a. rain, and I've spent the ENTIRE day stressing and worrying about all of this stuff, and about needing a new job, and not having enough money. It seems like everyone is starting to get jobs, and starting to get their lives together, yet I feel like I'm still back at square one.

    I've been thinking about getting my masters in reading, if I still can. Supposedly there is some rule where by 2014 every teacher has to have a masters in special education. However, I don't know if that means I should be pursuing that now, so I don't have to go back again for the special ed degree, of if I would be grandfathered in if I got the reading degree. Ultimately, I think i would really enjoy being a reading specialist. I enjoy the whole reading aspect of teaching alot, and I think this is an area I woudl truly excell at. Also, it would give me one subject to focus on, instead of having to teach everything. I truly think this is right for me, but I have to find out what my options are. Also, in order to get there, you need classroom teaching experience. I don't know...

    On top of my education worries, I'm feeling a big lack of connection lately. I miss the way things used to be, and the way everyone was connected when we were still in school. I hate not being able to see people alot, and I hate the distance that grows because of it.

    I consider myself overall a fairly happy and upbeat person, but this shit just gets me down. I'm just feeling very fragile right now. Maybe I will end up getting a teaching position soon, and I will end up doing it for the rest of my life. Who knows. I just know that I'm feeling very uncertain about things right now, and very disconnected. I'm feeling very unsure of everything, and its taking its toll.

    Anyone else in education (or any other career) feel this way? I just don't know what to do. I'm in serious need of some direction... I just want to stop dancing around and find whats right for me.

    If I can just find a good job that fits me, I feel like I can finally pick up the peices and move more positively in the direction of my goals and dreams for life.

    It's GOT to happen... soon. I'm just so depressed with the way things are right now. I both desire and DESERVE a better job than this. I deserve to make more money. I want to move out of this house, but iit can't happen yet, because I don't have the means. On what I'm making now, I am practically just squeaking by with all my bills, rent money for my mom, and saving for Amy's wedding. This is a scary thing for someone who has always been a saver, and always had a good chunk of money in the bank. I dunno... Hopefully something will come my way soon. Until then I will just keep on looking... :/

    And YES... i would LOVE some cheese with all this whining, lol... WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE WHINE. If you made it this far, IM SO SORRY! :)

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    anti gay marriage petition [01 Jan 2006|06:16pm]
    [ mood | angry ]

    This site shows you everyone who signed the Anti Gay Marriage Petition for MA...


    Check it out and see if you know anyone that signed it!!

    I caught a few assholes myself! lol...

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